To fuck or not to fuck?

I’ll kick things off by saying I’m no sexual maniac. Having that said, I’m also not a prude. My sexual journey begins, as with many girls, before I would’ve liked it to. I was 14 when I was subjected to what I believe was my first sexual violence. And while I won’t get into details at this time, I will let you know it was psychological violence, not physical. Such a relief, am I right?

Except it did come eventually. So if you don’t think you know anyone who’s been raped, I’ll be your designated survivor. Even if for a long time I did not allow myself to consider what happened to me as rape. It wasn’t violent or life-threatening enough to be put into the same category as the awful stories I read on the news and watched on Netflix. At least not physically so.

But even though those happenings didn’t feel big enough to be talked about, they did have a massive impact on me. On the way I see myself. On the way I see others. On my sexual and romantic relationships. And as I’ve recently learned, dealing with trauma is not the same as getting over it. So I can confidently say I am most definitely not over it.

Which begs the question: why am I writing all of this in the first place? Because I’m done. It’s time to take control of the narrative and break the cycle — and if somewhere along the way I happen to find the strength to heal, wouldn’t that be just awesome? And I chose this not really private way to document my process in case someone else finds it relatable and maybe even useful.

And now on to the juicy stuff. I figured, since all of my problems seem to come from sex, why not just quit it? So I, a reasonably attractive 24 year old woman living abroad by myself, decided to abstain from random sex. And again, I do not consider myself to be a nympho of any kind, but I do have a pretty active sex life. Or at least I used to have (and this is the part where you call me irresponsible for having casual sex in the middle of a pandemic, and I get it, I deserve it).

But not any more. In true Too Hot to Handle fashion, I’m looking for deeper connections — with myself and others. I need to stop feeling like I’m only good for booty calls and one night stands. And that journey starts with me, changing the way I see myself. I’m not sure where this is gonna go, or for how long. I just hope by the end of it I have learned a thing or two.